At some point the realization sets in; my child is not behaving as I’d hoped. Not just today, but on a regular basis.  You may question “Where did I go wrong?” Or maybe what you may hate to admit “What is wrong with them?” 

The traditional way of looking at things would suggest you meet with the school counselor, talk to teachers, take him/her to a therapist and hope these professionals are  ‘working their magic’ to fix the problem.

Where does that leave you in all this?

Here are 5 reason you need support when your teenager has challenging behaviors.

1. It affects the whole family

When one family member struggles, the whole system struggles.  Married couples may disagree with how best to deal with the behaviors, and siblings may get sick of the time and attention these behaviors take from them.  The emotional toll of having constant conflict at home can cause physical health problems and mental health issues such as anxiety and depression.   Family Systems Theory suggests that the family is actually one emotional unit.  It says that

“Families so profoundly affect their members’ thoughts, feelings, and actions that it often seems as if people are living under the same “emotional skin.” People solicit each other’s attention, approval, and support and react to each other’s needs, expectations, and upsets. The connectedness and reactivity make the functioning of family members interdependent. A change in one person’s functioning is predictably followed by reciprocal changes in the functioning of others. Families differ somewhat in the degree of interdependence, but it is always present to some degree.”

(https://thebowencenter.org/theory/)

What this means is that like it or not, if one member is not functioning at their best, all members should be invested equally in helping them succeed. How can you help if you aren’t sure what to do?  This is why you need support. 

2. Your feelings matter

I know as parents (especially true for me as a mom) we tend to sacrifice ourselves for the needs of all others first.  We usually dish up our plate of dinner last, skip working out, and rarely have hobbies because we are coordinating the whole house or working hard to provide for it.   Just because your child is experiencing emotional pain does not mean your pain is not also important.  One of the big myths about our emotions that I hear from parents is that letting others know they feeling bad is a weakness, and they need to be strong for the family.  This simply is not true, not matter how true it feels. Letting others know you are feeling bad models for your children that not everyone feels good all the time. It simply is not possible.  If your child can see a range of emotions from you, they are more likely to recognize a range of emotions in themselves.  Of course, if you struggle with expressing emotions, you may need support for that too. I teach a great module on Emotion Regulation in my 12 week online course that teaches people all about expressing emotions.

3. Setting limits is easier with support

Sometimes when a teenager’s behavior is challenging, parents have difficulty maintaining their house rules. They can end up being too loose or too strict.  This is one Dialectical Dilemma taught in the DBT Middle Path skills, along with making light of problem behaviors vs making too much of typical adolescent behaviors, and holding on too tight vs forcing independence too soon. <check out my blog on this here>.  Understanding these typical dilemmas makes it easier to regulate healthy boundaries.  One common saying is  “If you don’t know what your boundaries are, you certainly will once they’ve been crossed.”  DBT teaches the idea of setting limits vs setting boundaries because boundaries are a hard line drawn where limits are more flexible.  It is more effective to be flexible to circumstances than focusing on setting a boundary that places the parent as right and the child as wrong in all circumstances.   Limits are important.  There has to be order and mutual respect.  Setting limits and enforcing them (appropriately) is crucial to the success of your family system.  Setting house limits is best when all members of the family participate in creating them. Then everyone can understand not only the reasons behind the limit, but what happens when anyone (yes even parents) fail to adhere to it. 

4. It is validating to hear what others say

Support comes in many ways.  Family, friends, hair dresser, bartender, another parent, counselor, or an online group.  There is nothing more powerful than hearing someone say “me too”.  The recent #metoo movement around sexual assault has bonded and empowered women worldwide.  It helps to know we aren’t the only ones.  It also helps to have someone listen to you and not judge you.  I promise you are not the first parents to go through exactly what you are going through.  In fact, someone out there has gone through it and made it to the other side.  Wouldn’t it be great to hear how they did it?  I’ve recently started an online support group for this very purpose.  I welcome you to join it here.  It offers you a space to be vulnerable and discuss your experience with people who have similar experiences. Give others the opportunity to support and validate you. 

5. Your child’s therapist is not your therapist.

No matter how supported you feel by your child’s therapist never forget that they are your child’s therapist.  Their role is to support them.  You never want to put them in a position to lose rapport with your child. Teens are especially hyper aware of their privacy and other’s loyalty.  If they feel their therapist is on ‘your side’ vs ‘their side’ it can be detrimental to the over all success of their relationship and your relationship with your teen.  This is easily avoided by having your own counselor.  In fact, I teach that you are the expert of your child and that you have the solutions inside of you to change the unwanted behavior at home.  The support they receive from their therapist should be for them as an individual.  The behavior you deem a problem can be addressed if your teen and their therapist should decide this as their focus.   This can leave you feeling powerless, frustrated, and wondering why you are paying a therapist if they aren’t solving the problem you brought your child to them to solve.   I understand those concerns, and Solution Focused Parenting addresses those issues.  

Parenting is tough.

Teenage years are tough.

In the midst of the chaotic schedules, raging hormones, elevated voices, slamming doors, and eye rolling, it is important to take steps to attend to your own mental health.  If I could suggest 2 things to start immediately to take care of yourself it would be 1. Get Support and 2. Practice Mindfulness.

I teach and coach mindfulness in my online course and my private facebook group.

I look forward to connecting with you

 

 

 

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