Our children are always watching and applying narratives to our behavior.  In the early years, they don’t always give us feedback. They appear resilient and seem okay with changing plans, forgetting plans, or may just show a little disappointment that is easily distracted from with a convenient treat or tv show to get their mind on something else they can do instead.  As they get older, the feedback comes in body language such as eye rolling, tilted head and withdrawing to show disappointment, and sometimes with back talk and anger, that makes you feel justified in bailing on the original promise.

However, this ultimately these short term in the moment decision are creating long lasting damage to your child, and to your relationship.  Here are 5 reasons I suggest you stop breaking promises to your children and suggestions to make it easier for you to remember and set yourself up for success.  

Trust

One of the biggest things that every relationship needs is trust.  When you break little commitments to your child, even if you didn’t use the word promise, you are showing them that they can not trust your word.  If they can not trust you with little commitments, how will they trust you with the bigger issues in their lives.

Disappointment

We all must experience disappointment in our lives, in fact, I am not saying you can never disappoint your child because that is impossible. However, we should try to limit those disappointments from coming from us as their parents.  They will have plenty of opportunities from life and others to help them learn to deal with disappointment, What you want is to be the person they come to during those times, and not the one who makes them suffer through those feelings.

Invalidating/Unimportant

Dialectical Behavior Therapy teaches that one of the biggest indicators for intense emotional reactivity is an invalidating environment.  When you break your promises to your kids, you are invalidating them and telling them they aren’t as important as whatever is getting in the way. If you are too exhausted to play a game with them, so you watch a tv show to relax, they interpret that as the tv show is more important.  

Disrespect

Breaking a promise is disrespectful to them, and it teaches them that they too can break promises and disrespect someone else (most often, you). Integrity is huge with our kids, and will often result in them talking back and disrespecting you.

Modeling Explanations & Asking For Forgiveness

Understandably things will come up at times. How you handle that is a great learning opportunity for your children. Do you sit them down and explain to the what happened, ask forgiveness, and make a plan to repair or make it up to them?  Or do you just say “We aren’t doing that now” or “Not today, maybe tomorrow”? One will help build the relationship, and the other way will help break the relationship. I bet you can guess which one is which.

Here are some quick tips to help STOP Breaking Promises:

  1. Don’t make commitments for times you are normally tired.  
  2. Schedule it! Put it on your calendar, or a shared print out calendar you both can see and hang it somewhere in the house!
  3. Be Mindful of your commitments.  Look forward to them. B present and give your full attention to that moment.
  4. Do it even if you don’t want to because you said you would. Stick to your word.  That is a valuable lesson.

If you’ve been struggling with your Teen or Pre-teen, and have tried traditional therapy and it still isn’t getting better, watch my Free Videos helping to explain what might be getting in the way at www.powerbackparenting.com