I recently had a friend tell me that she had the toughest time saying no to people, especially her son.  With her friends, she would avoid them until after the event would pass or say yes and then fake some excuse at the last minute to get out of whatever it was she committed herself to. She would vacillate between over booking herself and abandoning society altogether hibernating in her house.

She told me her son especially knew how to play on her weaknesses.  As a single mom, she constantly tried to over compensate and would swing between being too indulgent and too with holding (a common dialectical dilemma in parenting).  This would make her feel guilty.

Does this sound like you?  If so, I have a great Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) skill for you.

This skill is so amazing because it works not only as a guide to determine if you should say yes or no, but it teaches you a way to say no, while maintaining the relationship! Who can’t use a skill like this right??

Okay first, let me introduce you to the concept of Intensity Factors.  Intensity factors work like this, the higher the intensity of a certain handful of factors, the more intensely you say no.  This means you do not let the person guilt you or talk you into saying yes.

Intensity Factors scale your decision based on the following factors:

  1. Capabilites
  2. Priorities
  3. Self-respect
  4. Rights
  5. Authority
  6. Relationship
  7. Goals
  8. Give & Take
  9. Homework
  10. Timing

I have 2 handouts in my private FB group files that are really easy to follow and teaches you intensity factors.  These worksheets are great because they not only works if you need to say no, but can also be used if you need to ask someone for something.

Once you’ve evaluated your options using intensity factors, You would then use the Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skill DEARMAN.   This skill is for asking for something or in this case saying no to a request.   The DEAR portion is what you do

The D stands for Describe:  You want to describe the situation as it ensures you are both on the same page.

For example “I got your note asking if you could go to your friends house Friday night.”

Short and sweet.  Just describing the situation as it is.

The E stands for Express:  Here is where you want to express how you feel about the situation.

For example: “I appreciate you asking me and not sneaking off to do it, yet I feel as if you have not prioritized your history lately and your paper is due Monday.”

Really it is however you feel about it. It is okay to be honest but kind.

The A stands for Assert: Here is where you say no.

My example: “I need you to stay home Friday, finish your paper and have me proof read it”.

The R is for Reinforce: Here is where you reinforce what is in it for them. This is more useful when asking for something, however when saying no, it can be great to use a reinforce to help maintain the relationship.

My example: “I plan on being home Friday and available to assist you if you get stuck. It would be nice for us to be able to work together so I can understand how you think about the topics you are discussing at school”

The MAN portion of the DEARMAN is how you do the skill.

Be MINDFUL.  Being mindful means to stay on task. Do not begin rambling about past assignments, or past grades. There is no need to ‘sell’ your decision.  You also want to make sure that your objective (to say no) does not get hijacked.  So keeping yourself and them on topic is important.

Appear Confident.  You may not feel confident. Especially if saying No is something you rarely do… however, give them eye contact (if in person) and do not ho-hum your way through it.  You aren’t doing anything wrong. You have every right to set limits and say no to requests.  This does not make you a bad person.  So do your best to appear confident.

And Negotiate.  Be willing to negotiate.  Maybe you would be willing to let him go to the party later if he finishes early.  Maybe there is nothing negotiable this time and that is okay too.

It is important to be mindful and consider the intensity factors before saying no.  If you are saying no just to say no ask yourself why?  Be gentle in your voice and if they refuse to take no for an answer, use the broken record technique where you calmly repeat the Assert portion over and over.

This skill is just one skill that I teach more in-depth in my 12 week online course!

Check out my Private Facebook Group for the intensity factors worksheets.

I’d love to connect and hear how this works for you,

 

 

 

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