Parent and Teen Battle Topics

When our emotions take over they can often get the best of us.  This is true for the parent and the teen.  When we enter our emotion mind, our reasoning goes down.  Logic tends to fly out the window.  We say things we don’t necessarily mean to say, we over react, and we are also very sensitive to what others are saying to us.  Being able to recognize when you or your teen is in emotion mind is crucial to being more effective in getting your objectives met (I teach extensively on emotion mind in my 12 week online course).

There are typical topics that send parents and teens into emotion mind.   Think of the issues that you find polarized (complete opposites) with your teen.  Typically you may think of things like curfew, grades, chores, clothes, etc.  When these topics come up in your home, do you find yourselves getting stuck and unable to meet in the middle or compromise?  Are there any issues that you tend to flop back and forth on? Maybe one week you set a strict early curfew then you feel guilty so the next weekend you have a really late curfew?

The problem with discussing these ‘battle topics’ when either of you are in emotion mind is that emotion mind pushes you to the extremes; the black and white, all or nothing thinking  The parent may say “You are grounded for the rest of your life” while the teen may say “You don’t care about me at all!”

So, what is missing?

Dialectics help us see:
  1.  There is always more than one way to solve a problem
  2. All people have unique qualities and different points of view
  3. It is important not to see the world in all or nothing ways
  4. Two things that seem like opposites can both be true
  5. Change is the only constant
  6. Meaning and truth evolve over time
  7. Change is transactional

Check out my private FB Group to hear me go into these 7 points in more detail.

When we find ourselves polarized or jumping from one extreme to the other, Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) calls this a dialectical dilemma.

There are 3 Dialectical Dilemmas often found in parent and teen relationships.

  1.  Too Loose vs. Too Strict
  2. Making Too Light vs. Making Too Much of Problem Behaviors
  3. Forcing Independence Too Soon vs. Holding on Too Tight

(I will be describing these in detail this week in my private Fb Group. )

Other dialectical dilemmas occur as well such as over indulgence vs withholding, or being overly intrusive vs. overly distant.  Being able to honestly reflect and identify your extremes will help you get unstuck.  When this happens you can look for what is missing.  What or When is an example that disputes the ‘all or nothing’ thinking.  Before you make a decision, take time to pull yourself from your emotion mind by using your logical side.

Quick Tip To Get Unstuck:
  1. Pause (Yes, It is okay to pause and revisit)
  2. Create a line on a piece of paper. On one side of the line write one of the extremes. On the other side of the line, write the other extreme.
  3. Then write steps from both sides that if taken would be closer to the middle (You may also have your teen do this with you or one for themselves and compare). *see example below*
  4. Choose a compromise that seems effective.

I have a video in my private FB Group where I show a coin experiment that further explains dialectics.  I created this after a situation happened that created some pretty big emotions in my field when a counselor was shot while trying to coach a suicidal client.  Political views are vary polarized and I used the coin experiment to show how two views can both be true given their perspective.  Check it out!

P.S.   I’d love for you to Follow My Blog!
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References:

MILLER, A. L. (2017). DIALECTICAL BEHAVIOR THERAPY WITH SUICIDAL ADOLESCENTS. S.l.: GUILFORD.