One of the assumptions I talk about in Solution Focused Therapy and Dialectical Behavior Therapy is that we may not have caused our own problems, but they are ours to solve anyway. 

In my house, I often get ‘stuck’ thinking that something isn’t fair.  A big one for me is on housework.  I feel like it isn’t fair for people to expect me to clean up after them, because I am at home and cleaning is part of my role.  I want the house clean, and feel like my family takes advantage of this by not doing their fair share of picking up after themselves and cleaning up their things.

The other day I was in the shower and thought “In all the years I’ve been married, I don’t think my husband has one time cleaned our shower”.  And then I thought, he probably isn’t going to either, so if not me… then who?

The little shift brought me back into the reality, that if I wanted it done (I saw it as a problem) I can solve it myself by doing it.

So with this fresh on my mind, I wanted to bring this concept into parenting.

Because as you know especially during the challenging teen years where our kids are pushing us away, we are encouraged to ‘lean in’.  So….

Here are 7 things I want you to consider “if not you then who”….

1. Saying Sorry

One of the issues we are having in our house right now is my 6 year old is demanding apologies for anything she interprets as hurting her feelings, which is quite often with my husband.  As parents, we are challenged to validate the valid, and not give in to the invalid.  If saying sorry can solve the problem, why wouldn’t we?  We often let our pride get in the way of the relationship.  The battle between my husband and her comes down quite often to me saying “Do you want to be right or do you want to be effective”. 

While he does not intend to hurt her feelings, every time, there has been something valid to her complaint.  The tone of voice, him not hearing her, all the kids being corrected when it was only one of them… There is usually something that can be validated. 

The other day when he was struggling with yet another demanded apology, he was digging his heels in refusing.  I challenged him to try to have fun with it. To be over the top. To speak to her like she was a princess and get down on one knee and say sorry and beg for her forgiveness.  At first he refused.  She followed him around more desperately trying to get him to understand how she felt wronged and I asked him if what I suggested could stop this wouldn’t it be worth it?  So he tried it.  He went to her with this ridiculous over the top apology and she burst out laughing. She told him how funny he was, accepted his apology and asked for a hug.  She then moved on.    

The take away here:  Focus on being effective over being right!

2. Initiate Contact

Lot’s of times, days can go by in families with no communication OR good physical touch.  No hand on the shoulder, no hugs, little rub of the shoulders and no “good mornings”.  Healthy touch has many benefits.  Kidz in contact has a great article on the benefits here http://www.liddlekidz.com/kidz-in-contact.html.   If you don’t reach out to hug your kids, or kiss them on the top of the head, then who will? And what might that look like?  Our little (and not so little) people need to learn about healthy contact, healthy touch, and that people can disagree and get upset, and still have a relationship.

If it has been a long time, I would expect kids to pull away and possibly make a snarky comment, however everyone wants to feel loved.  The pulling away behavior is a result of hurt.  When they feel better about the relationship, the pulling away should stop.  If your family goes days without talking, I’d suggest starting conversations as the first step, and working to asking for hugs goodnight or goodbye.

3. Prioritize The Relationship

A hard transition for people when they become parents is shifting from the selfish wants and desires of their lives to now considering the whole family. In fact, when kids are very little, the parents have to give up many of their plans to accommodate their little people and care for them. 

When kids become teenagers, parents shift again into getting a little more of themselves back at the same time their kids are preparing to be independent.  This causes confusion and battles in some families.  Parents may feel they’ve been prioritizing the relationship with little return and they can often lighten up, or appear to throw the towel in altogether. 

This is a vital time to continue to prioritize the relationship. You are now setting the stage for what your relationship with your adult children will look like.  This is another one of those areas where the parents wisdom must come into play.  It is unrealistic to expect a teen whose frontal lobe is still not fully developed (which controls impulse) to make the choice to prioritize the time with their parents. 

A good way to prioritize the relationship is to let go of the idea that you both need to find something in common.  Act interested in what THEY are interested in. Learn about it. Show up for it.  They may call you ‘corny’ or whatever the world is they are saying these days, but they will appreciate it.  And, if not you do not prioritize the relationship with them 1. You will not have the relationship you want and 2. Someone else will and will have a strong influence over them.  You then run the risk of a negative influence having a power position in your child’s life.   

4. Lead By Example

I love the quote by Robert Fulghum that says “Don’t worry that your children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you.

This is so true! Children will learn more by what they see than what they hear.  So we have to be the behavior we want to see in them.  I’ve heard from parents “But I’m the adult” or “I’m too set in my ways”, and this is my response: 

As the adult, it is your duty to set the example, and model that change is possible.  We can struggle, and we can make mistakes, and at the same time, we need to show them effort, commitment, and perseverance. 

Everyone is looking for someone to follow.  Someone to look up to, and someone to admire.  If it isn’t you in your teens life, they will find someone else.  Someone again who has a great deal of influence and control in their decisions.  Wouldn’t you rather that person be you?

5. Give A Compliment

 

If you are like me, you can feel under-appreciated at times. It is easy to get caught up in the “what am I not getting’ mindset.  You know what I mean.  “No one sees me”. “No one tells me good job’. “No one is going out of their way to make me feel special”.

When I was working in the juvenile justice system, I was given a challenge by one of the psychologists there <David Fenstermaker>.  He said for one whole day, only highlight positive behavior.  With every interaction, give them feedback on what you saw and appreciated about their tone, how they handled the situation, how they stopped from escalating, something, anything positive.

I was working in the intensive management unit at the time which is where the teens whose behavior escalated in the normal living units went for basically a long ‘time out’.  This kept the other residents safe while giving them the needed attention to correct their behavior.  As you can imagine I wondered, what if there is NOTHING positive to highlight.  There goes the challenge right?! 

Let me share with you a story from that day.  I took 8 of the youth (15-18 year olds) to a common area, where they were able to watch tv, play cards, or use some indoor exercise equipment.  One youth got mad at another youth during a card game, started cursing at him, stood up and wanted to fight.  I called his name, told him to line up at the door, and had another staff member escort him back to his room.  

Per policy, I had to write an incident report and let the youth know his punishment.  A little while later, I went to his door to talk to him.  He had this look of dread on his face because he knew he was in trouble and was trying to earn back privileges.  Of course on this day, I was challenged to only give positive feedback.  So when he came to his door, I said “Hey, I want to thank you for looking at me when I said your name, and lining up when asked. I appreciate you doing that so the situation didn’t escalate.”   His face completely changed and he looked shocked and a bit proud.  He went from defeated and wanting to give up on his goals to realizing it didn’t go as bad as it could have and someone recognized that.

Of course, he still was unable to get more free hours that evening because although I highlighted the positives, I still had to deliver the consequences.  I learned a lot about what connects people and changes behavior in this ‘experiment‘.  To this day, I continue to utilize this approach.  It works. 

So my challenge to you, is to try it with your teen.  I’d love to hear how it goes!

6. Let Go Of The Little Stuff

This is another reminder to focus on being effective over being right.  They say “Don’t sweat the small stuff, and in reality it’s all small stuff”.  Well we know that isn’t necessarily true.  If you have a teen who is hitting their siblings, or you, and genuinely making people feel unsafe in their home, that is not small stuff.  That is big stuff.  That needs to be addressed.  However, at the same time, not everything they do is big stuff.  I’d love for you to jump into my private FB group and help create a list of what constitutes ‘big stuff’ and what constitutes ‘little stuff’.  It is often hard to determine when it is your family and you are in the thick of it if it is small stuff because it feels so big. That is why community is so great. It helps put things in perspective.  If it is little stuff, let them have it.  There is a bigger ‘war’ at hand, and you want to be prepared to win that one.  The bigger war is releasing a healthy individual into society when they reach adulthood.  That is the one truly worth winning. 

7. Forgive

I once saw a quote on a reader board outside of a church that read “God loves to forgive”.  At first I thought ‘I can’t imagine anyone liking to forgive all the time, let alone loving it” and then it hit me… “Oh to forgive he uses love”. He loves in order to forgive.  I am embarrassed to admit, I was well into my 30’s before I really got this. That through love we can forgive.  It is the love that heals the wounds.  As much as I wish I had learned that lesson earlier in life, I am so grateful that I have learned it at all. 

Forgiveness can be hard.  How wonderful, that we can teach and model this for our children.  The teen years certainly gives us plenty of opportunity to practice.  With a smile on my face, I challenge you to look at these interactions with your teens as an opportunity. 

Remember, your children are not problems.  Sometimes their behavior is problematic, but they really are an opportunity.  Every kid needs one caring, forgiving adult to be changed.  If not you, who?

If you are one reading this and rationalizing all the reasons you can’t do these things, I’m going to challenge you with this:  Do it anyway.  If you have a strained relationship due to behavioral or mental health challenges by your kids, do it anyway.  When your kids behavior is already struggling, it is unrealistic to expect a teen who is already struggling to meet regular relationship expectations.  Check out this blog to better understand why.

As always I look forward to connecting with you,