It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change.
– Charles Darwin
One of the best interpersonal skills you can learn in DBT is the DEARMAN skill.
This is literally the skill to get you what you want!
If you’ve read my other blogs, then this is a quick refresher:
Interpersonal Effectiveness skills can help you:
- Take care of your relationships
- Balance priorities (your needs) with others demands (other’s needs)
- Balance wants (things that you want to do) with shoulds (things you ought to do)
- Build mastery and self-respect
Everyone has these skills. The degree of mastery of these skills tends to vary from one situation, to the next. For example, some people may be quite comfortable saying no to strangers, but not to friends. Others may be able to say no to friends, but not to their bosses.
Frequently people have good interpersonal skills but are not sure when and how to use them. In order to decide what skills to use and when to use them, you need to know what your goals are in a situation.
The 3 goals are:
Objectives Effectiveness Skills (using skills to get what you want)
Relationship Effectiveness Skills (using skills to maintain/improve a relationship)
Self Respect Effectiveness Skills (using skills to maintain your self-respect)
The skill to use to meet your Objectives Effectiveness is DEAR MAN: This is an assertiveness skill.
• The DEAR part of the skill is “what you do.”
• The MAN part of the skill is “how you do it.”
We use DEAR MAN when:
It appears easy to convince someone to use Dear Man to get their needs met since the reward is usually immediate (you actually getting what you want). I think the real challenge is teaching someone to use this skill to say no. I imagine a fair amount of people end up in situations they do not want to be in because they never learned how to say no and mean it.
Let’s look at each aspect of the DEARMAN and some great discussion points.
Describe – describe the situation when necessary.
Each letter in Dear Man is not always necessary. For example: If you are out of orange juice and want some, and your sister is going to the store, you might just ask her to buy some. You don’t necessarily need to “describe” the situation and “express” how you feel about it.
Express – Express feelings/opinions about the situation clearly
Describe how you feel or what you believe about the situation.
Do not expect the other person to read your mind or know how you feel give a brief reason for making your request.
Assert – Ask for what you want or say no clearly.
The idea here is to avoid beating around the bush or expecting others to be mind readers. A person just has to ask or say no by being clear, concise, and assertive.
Reinforce – Reward people who respond positively to your request or saying no.
The idea here is that you are more likely to get what you want if the other person sees that it makes sense for them too. if a person does not gain from complying with a request or taking no for an answer some of the time, they may stop responding in a positive way.
Mindful – avoid distractions
The idea here is to stay focused on what you want. Don’t be distracted. Two ways to keep from being distracted are:
“Broken Record” where you keep asking for what you want or saying no over and over. This perhaps is one of the most important skills taught and learned most rapidly. The idea to get across is that a person doesn’t have to think up something new to say each time; she can keep saying exactly the same thing. The key here is to keep a ‘mellow’ voice tone. –“kill them with sweetness,” so to speak. The strength is in the persistence of maintaining the position.
Ignoring. If another person attacks, threatens or tries to change the subject, ignore their threats, comments, or attempts to divert you. Just keep making your point. The key here is if a person pays attention to attacks, responds to them in any way, or lets them divert them, they are giving the other person control of the interactions.
Appear Confident – Tone, eye contact
The goal is to show the other person that you can take care of the situation and that you deserve to be treated seriously and with respect. How confident to act in any given situation is a judgment call? A person needs to find the fine line between appearing arrogant and appearing too apologetic.
Negotiate – Maintain your stance but can you compromise?
The idea is that sometimes you have to “give to get” – ask for less or find out their solution.
Here discuss ‘Turn the Table’ technique. Turn the problem over to the other person. Ask for alternative solutions. “What do you think we should do?” “I’m not able to say yes, and you really seem to want me to. What can we do here?” Negotiating or turning the table is useful when ordinary requesting or refusing is getting nowhere.
What this may look like when saying no: “This is the third time this week you have asked me for a ride home. I am getting home late each day and it is affecting my time with my family. I have to say no this time. I have prior engagements. Thanks for being so understanding. I really appreciate it. Can you think of another option to get home?
Although you have said no and stood firm, you still turned the tables in your negotiation to have the other person offer a new solution for getting their needs met.
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