I recently took an inventory of my life.  My stress level seemed high and I thought I better look at my emotional backpack and see what is going on here. (We teach this stuff for a reason right?) I found that there were many situations going on that I had no control over. (I must accept those things) I just moved to a new place, closed down my office at work etc.  Then I thought what do I have control over? (What can I change?) I thought do I have the support I need? So I then began evaluating my relationships. Am I spending time on healthy relationships or with hopeless relationships I should end? How exactly (behaviorally specific) am I attending to those relationships? I.e.: phone calls, going to lunch, actually use my GIVE skill when speaking to them.

It really takes an effort to maintain relationships.  Remembering that a driver for me for canceling on plans is feeling too overwhelmed to deal with other people I began thinking of a skill that I should focus on to get through this stressful time in my life.  I opened my Skills Training Manual to see what made sense for what I was feeling. (My stress level was too high to effectively pull a skill out of my head.) I decided to define my problem. I felt I could get through this stressful time if I had better support from my positive relationships. I decided to define my problem more specific as: I attend to the wrong relationships and fail to attend to the right relationships.  This told me I should try the Interpersonal Effectiveness module.

Listed below are situations where Interpersonal Effectiveness might be useful:

Attending to Relationships

    • Don’t let hurts and problems build up

    • Use relationship skills to head off problems

    • End hopeless relationships

  • Resolve conflicts before they get overwhelming

Balancing Priorities vs. Demands

    • If overwhelmed, reduce or put off low-priority demands

    • Ask others for help; say no when necessary

  • If not enough to do, try to create some structure and responsibilities; offer to do things

Balancing the wants-to shoulds

  • Look at what you do because you enjoy doing it and “want” to do it;  how much you do because it has to be done and you “should” do it. Try to keep the number of each in balance, even if you have to:

      • Get your opinions taken seriously

      • Get others to do things

    • Say no to unwanted requests

Building Mastery and Self-respect

    • Interact in a way that makes you feel competent and effective, not helpless and overly dependent

  • Stand up for yourself,  your beliefs and opinions; follow your own wise mind

Relationships that are not attended to can create enormous stress.  This stress then increases emotional vulnerability, and life can simply go downhill. The longer relationships remain unattended to, the harder they are to repair.

Like DearMan is most commonly used for Objectives Effectiveness, the Give Skill is what is most commonly used for Relationship Effectiveness.  Relationship effectiveness is the art of maintaining or even improving an interpersonal relationship while you try to get what you want—that is, while you try to obtain your objectives.  At its best, you will get what you want, and the person may like or respect you even more than before. It’s like 1. Acting in a way (Gentle, Interested, Validating, and with an Easy manner) that makes the other person actually want to give you what you are asking for or feel good about your saying no (Works hand in hand with DearMan) and 2. balancing immediate goals with the good of the long-term relationship.

This seems like a lot and is confusing with Objectives Effectiveness I know, try and consider if the main goal of the interaction is to get the other person to approve of you more, stop criticizing or rejecting you, stay with you, then enhancing the relationship is the objective and should be considered under objectives effectiveness.  In that case, relationship effectiveness refers to choosing a way to go about improving or keeping the relationship that does not at the same time damage the relationship over the long run.

Many of us are highly concerned with maintaining relationships and approval (Think of those where peer pressure drives their behavior).  We are often willing to sacrifice personal goals for the sake of interpersonal relationships. Frequently, people like this operate under the myth that if they sacrifice their own needs and wants to other people, their relationships will go more smoothly, approval will be ever forthcoming, and no problems will arise.  The key problem with this approach to life is that it does not work. It is ineffective.

The term GIVE as stated above is the useful way of remembering the skills for relationship effectiveness.  

  (be)  Gentle

(act)  Interested

        Validate

(use an) Easy Manner

1.   (be) Gentle.  Be courteous and pleasant in your approach.  People tend to respond to gentleness more than they do to harshness. In particular, avoid attacks, threats, and judgments.

a.  No Attacks. This is really pretty clear.  People won’t like you if you threaten them, or express much anger directly.

b.  No Threats.  Do not make manipulative statements or hidden threats. Do not say “I’ll kill myself if you…”  Tolerate a no to requests. Stay in the discussion even if it gets painful. Exit gracefully.

c.  No judging.  No name calling, ‘shoulds’ or implied put-downs in voice or manner. No guilt trips.

2.   (act) Interested.  Be interested in the other person. Listen to the other person’s point of view, opinion, reasons for saying no, or reasons for making a request of you.  Do not interrupt, try to talk it over. Be sensitive to the other person’s desire to have the discussion at a later time, if that’s what the person wants.  Be patient. Remember, people feel better about you if you are interested in them and if you give them time and space to respond to you. With our youth, seldom has someone taken the time to look them in the eyes and really let them talk without interrupting them.  Again, be patient enough to be interested.

3.   Validate.  Validate or acknowledge the other person’s feelings, wants, difficulties, and opinions about the situation.  Be nonjudgmental out loud. There are many different levels of validation and understanding what approach works best takes practice and skill.  Just because a situation may work best with a level 4 validation doesn’t mean that you will not get progress with using level 2 validations etc.

4.   (use an) Easy manner.  Try to be lighthearted. Use a little humor. Smile. Ease the other person along.  This is the difference between the ‘soft sell’ and the ‘hard sell’. People do not like to be bullied, pushed, or made to feel guilty.  Although people often say that residents are manipulators, a really good manipulator makes other people enjoy giving in. The premise of DBT is that residents need to learn to be better at manipulating—inducing others to do what they want them to do.

This is not to say that DEARMAN cannot be used as a relationship effectiveness skill.  When you use DearMan appropriately, you take the burden off the other person of always having to take care of you.

Since studying and trying out my Interpersonal Effectiveness skills primarily my GIVE skills with the healthy relationships in my life, I found that the people I needed in my life were very receptive to me and that my stress level has gone down. I wasted less time on those unhealthy relationships, set myself as a priority and gave them less attention despite their demands.  I have balanced my wants to shoulds by accumulating positive experiences with the positive people in my life and found that as problems arise, I am less vulnerable and things do not seem so overwhelming. I have also been much more pleasant and easy to be around and find I do not get distracted as easily.

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