To me, the hardest part is knowing what the right thing is, after that it is very hard to do the wrong thing.  Isn’t it?

Take a moment and think about knowingly doing the wrong thing.  Knowingly not treating someone fairly, sticking to your values or lying to someone.  How does that make you feel? What if no one is looking or will ever find out?

The FAST skill speaks to me not only of self-respect but of character.  How does one build character?

Now, take a moment and read the below definitions. Let them sit with you for a moment.

Values: ideas, beliefs or understandings one has that guide and are reflected in one’s behavior

Character: attributes or features that make-up and distinguish the individual; the complex of mental and ethical traits making a person, group or nation:  actions, attitudes, and practice that characterize a person. Acting honorably under all circumstances, even when it is to the disadvantage of the self (*even when to the disadvantage of the self, this makes me think of short term and long term goals*)

Guidelines for Self-respect Effectiveness

Keeping Your Respect for Yourself
 

 

Fair (be)
Apologies (no)
Stick to values
Truthful (be)

1. Be Fair
This means being fair to yourself and the other person in your attempts to meet your objectives. The idea here is that it is hard to like yourself in the long haul if you consistently take advantage of the other person or allow yourself to be taken advantage of.  

Recently my oldest daughter had been corrected for how she was speaking to her little sister.  As she tells it she was responding to what her sister said to her first. I only heard say something back so she was the only one corrected.  Her feeling was it was not fair.

Fairness does not always mean equal. Think of when you can change something and when you have to accept something. If you find yourself crying “It’s just not fair” try and take a moment and focus on just you and what is happening to you and not another person.

While speaking with my daughter, I was able to get her to look at it from my perspective.  Would it be right for me to correct something I didn’t hear? Would she like it if someone tried punishing her for something they did not hear?  More importantly, she was able to accept that what she said to her sister (whether or not she felt ‘just’ in saying it) was wrong and she earned corrective action. Taking my other daughter completely out of the equation and focusing on what she did and her consequence seemed fairer.  In the long run, she was able to accept the situation and let go of the negative emotion.

Being fair means playing by the rules.  Fairness involves looking at the situation from another person’s perspective.  It is hard to be fair when you think of fair as being equal.

2. No Apologies
Yes, apologize when apologies are warranted however do not be overly apologetic for everyday behavior. No apologizing for being alive. No apologizing for making the request. No apologizing for having an opinion. No apologizing for disagreeing.
Apologizing implies that you are in the wrong…Apologizing when you do not believe you are in the wrong will reduce your sense of effectiveness over time. Being able to apologize is a very important skill (accepting you are/were wrong), and is important for maintaining relationships; however, it gets on people’s nerves and can reduce relationships effectiveness if you are apologizing for no reason.
 

Think of the following situations and if an apology is warranted: (if not what could you say instead?)

1. You got caught in a lie.

2. You reach for the remote at the same time someone else does.

3. You accidentally shut the door behind you and didn’t know someone else was behind you.  

4. You yelled at someone because you were mad about something else.

5. You ask someone in a waiting room if you can look at the magazine they have when they are finished.

3. Stick to Values
Don’t sell out your values or integrity, just to get what you want or keep the other person liking you. Be clear on what, in your opinion, is the moral or valued way of thinking and acting.

Values are deeply held beliefs about what is good, right, and appropriate. Values are deep-seated and remain constant over time. We accumulate our values from childhood based on teachings and observations of our parents, teachers, religious leaders, and other influential and powerful people. Values play an important part in our lives. They help us decide what we expect of ourselves and of others. Our values help us to make decisions.  A list of values may consist of:

Accomplishment, cleanliness, concern for others, cooperation, decisiveness, democracy, equality, faith, family, friendship, hard work, honesty, honor, integrity, justice, loyalty, patience, preservation, respect for others, self reliance, status, success, teamwork, tolerance, trust, wisdom (create your own list, check your top 5.)

What if your values are conflicting? I.E.: you value your friends (sticking up for your friend is how you show this value) you also value following the law (do not believe physical violence) Situation: Your friend is getting pushed and assaulted by a stranger when you two were having lunch at a restaurant over an accident. How do you know which value to follow? This is where you could use the pros and cons. Think of which value will help you reach your long-term goals.  You should always know your short and long-term goals.

4. Be Truthful

Don’t lie or act helpless when you are not. Acting helpless on purpose, when it works, can give a temporary sense of mastery. It is the overuse of this approach that causes problems. Example: Pretending that you can’t lift things you easily could saying “Oh it’s too heavy” just to make your boyfriend do it for you. This overtime makes you physically weaker and lazier.

Don’t exaggerate. A pattern of dishonesty over time erodes your self-respect. One instance of dishonesty may not hurt, but dishonesty as your usual pattern over time erodes your self-respect.  Remember the saying “Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive.” This is because one lie can spiral out of control.

Yes, sometimes being honest may actually reduce relationship effectiveness. The little white lie was invented for this reason. However, if you are going to lie it should be done mindfully, rather than habitually.  (Take a moment and consider the differences.)
 

Important notes about self-respect effectiveness.  (Tying it back to other Interpersonal Skills)

Remember that no one can take away your self-respect unless you give it up. When you use DEAR MAN you can improve yours by increasing your sense of mastery. But another way to increase yours is by giving things you want for the welfare of the other person.

Using DEAR MAN sometimes leads to a loss of self-respect for the other person. Balancing what you want, with what the other person wants and needs, sometimes is the best path to self-respect.

For most people, self-respect is somewhat dependent on the quality of their relationships. Using GIVE skills well will enhance your sense of self-respect. But if you only use GIVE skills with a person who is abusive, or who don’t care about you – always validating the other person, being interested, using an easy manner, never threatening no matter what the other person does – your sense of is likely to erode over time.

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