Mindfulness is the core of every DBT skill. It is the first module taught in all DBT groups. This week I want to discuss mindfulness with regards to emotions and emotion regulation.

The following story is adapted from a book by a spiritual teacher and is very helpful in teaching the concept of loving/accepting one’s emotions.

A man bought a new house and decided that he was going to have a very beautiful lawn.  He worked on it every week, doing everything the gardening books told him to do. His biggest problem was that the lawn always seemed to have dandelions growing where he didn’t want them.  The first time he found dandelions, he pulled them out. But, alas, they grew back. He went to his local gardening store and bought weed killer. This worked for some time, but after summer rains, alas, he found dandelions again.  He worked and pulled and killed dandelions all summer. The next summer he thought he would have no dandelions at all, since none grew over winter. But, then, all of a sudden, he had dandelions all over again. This time he decided the problem was with the type of grass.  So, he spent a fortune and had all new sod put down. This worked for some time and he was very happy. Just as he started to relax, a dandelion came up. A friend told him it was due to the dandelions in the lawns of his neighbors. So he went on a campaign to get all his neighbors to kill all their dandelions.  By the third year, he was exasperated. He still had dandelions. So, after consulting every local expert and garden book, he decided to write the U.S. Department of Agriculture for advice. Surely the government could help. After waiting several months, he finally got a letter back. He was so excited. Help at last! He tore open the letter and read the following:  

“Dear Sir: We have considered your problem and have consulted all of our experts. After careful consideration, we think we can give you very good advice. Sir, our advice is that you learn to love those dandelions.”

Can you recognize the dandelions in your life?

This was a story of acceptance.  Fighting emotions does not make them go away.  Accepting emotions allows a person to do something about them.  By learning to observe your emotions (recognizing, describing, and naming emotions as we learn in Observing and Describing Emotions) you learn to be separate from (not identified as) your emotions and also be at one with your emotions.  In order to control, you must be separate from your emotions so that you can think and use coping strategies. You also need to be one with your emotions, in the sense that you identify them as part of yourself and not something outside of you (awh a dialectic, be separate but be one with your emotion) To the extent that the rider is “one” with the horse she can control the horse.  If she is separate, fighting the horse, the horse will fight back and she cannot control it smoothly.  On the other hand, if the rider is mindless, so to speak, and has no identity separate from the horse, she will just cling to the horse for dear life and the horse will assume all direction.

Mindfulness of emotions means observing and describing them just as they are: This allows you to get distance from your emotions.  Distance is crucial for figuring things out and for problem-solving in regard to emotions. Observing emotions is a form of exposure.  It works on the same principle that exposure does in treating fear and panic. By exposing yourself to your emotions, but not necessarily acting on them you, you will find that they are not so catastrophic.  You will stop being so afraid of them.

Learning to let go of your emotions is difficult.  Letting go of emotions is not the same as pushing them away. Fighting pain usually makes it worse.  Remember painful emotions are part of the human condition. DBT assumes there are valid reasons for negative emotions.  The trick is to find a new way of relating to your negative emotions so that they do not induce so much suffering. The way is through acceptance.

If you have not already completed a DBT course in your area, I recommend you try my 12-week DBT course.  If you have completed a DBT skills training group and would like to remain connected, consider joining my monthly subscription program where you get a live DBT course each week! <plus other cool things>. Both programs can be found at yourvirtualskillstrainer.com.