I’m sure you have heard the saying “Never assume as it makes an ass out of u and me”. Most of the time that is true’ish. I’m going to talk to you today about the exceptions.

Normally, we shouldn’t assume as our interpretations could be skewed and as I teach in my 12 week online course, judgments lead to emotion mind. Emotion mind has it’s place, but many times it leads to impulsive comments and actions.

Before I introduce the exceptions, let me explain the importance of adopting these assumptions.

If you choose to adopt these assumptions your relationship with your teen will improve. You will show patience, understanding, and you will increase your endurance through the difficult times.

An assumption is something we accept as true without proof. Many therapeutic models adopt assumptions for their clients. Modeled and modified after the Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) assumptions I suggest you adopt these assumptions in your family.

Family members are doing the best they can at any given moment.

When we adopt this assumption, we recognize that our abilities change from moment to moment depending on many factors. Our moods, health, and daily circumstances influence how we interact and the decisions we make. In my 12 week course I teach a skill called ABC Please that helps reduce your vulnerability to emotion mind. Think of the times where you have had a cold or a stomach flu and yet you still had to parent. When you feel healthy, you may redirect your kids, have more patience, and are more likely to give them more than one chance when you’ve asked them to do something.

When you are sick however, you are more likely to be short tempered, give consequences, and not tolerate behaviors that might normally be okay. This is an example of you doing the best you can at that moment, even though when you are healthy, your best is a little better.

Our teens also experience this shift in their best. When you adopt this assumption, it is easier to understand that the behavior you see from your teen at any given moment may not only be dependent on the situation you two are discussing. It is more likely that they are bringing other things into the discussion.

Family members may not have caused the problem but inherently they have the solutions inside them to solve them.

This assumption helps us eliminate blame and push through to a solution. Mental health issues are a prime example of this. You aren’t at fault for mental health issues such as depression or anxiety, however if you get stuck in ‘this isn’t fair’ or “why me” you will be ineffective and suffer deeper and longer. “The only path through suffering is with acceptance. “ You’ve heard the saying “It is what it is?” as cliché as that may sound, it is so true. You are stronger than you think and wiser than you know.

Each member of the family, wants to improve.

This may seem like a difficult assumption to accept, especially on the days when your teen seems perfectly content and snarky laying in their bedrooms on their phones and rolling their eyes at you. It is common to think “they must really like being miserable’ These are the moments you need to hold on to this assumption the most. When your teen doesn’t show sign of wanting a happier life for themselves, you must assume they do. When they are pushing you away assuming they want a better relationship with you is paramount for you to maintain the motivation you need to keep leaning into them. If your life could be happier wouldn’t you want that? Everyone would.

While each family member holds the capacity to solve their problems, new behavior must be learned.

You have the capabilities of problem solving, however things get in the way of being effective. Sometimes those things are emotions and sometimes we lack the skill. Learning skills to manage emotions help us to use the skills we already have during a highly stressful situation. DBT teaches skills in Mindfulness, Interpersonal Effectiveness, Emotion Regulation, and Distress Tolerance, including problem solving. These skills can be learned and applied by anyone to be more effective in all areas of their lives. These are the skills taught in my online course.

Family members can not fail in treatment.

This assumption is simple. Family members in treatment can not fail. When failure occurs it is the treatment or how it was administered that failed. This is so freeing for family members who take on this assumption. Set backs are not failure. This is another example that removes blame from the family member.

Principles of behavior are universal, affecting every member of the family equally.

What I like about this assumption is that it is a reminder of how all family members respond to behavioral principles equally. Reinforcements and consequences go both ways. Parents behavior can be shaped in the same ways as teens behavior. In fact, our children can really reward ‘bad’ parenting. Have you ever let your kids break your rules because you didn’t want to fight? Or possibly given into something that you would normally say no to because they are being nice and you want that to last a little longer? There are children up past their bedtimes watching videos on iPads all over the country because of these very principles.

Family members need to do better, try harder and be more motivated to change.

This last assumption keeps us moving forward. Adopting this assumption means we never settle, we never quit, and most importantly we never give up on each other. Dialectics are about two opposing opinions co-existing. The acceptance belief in the first assumption ‘we are doing the best we can‘ dialectically opposes the change belief of ‘needing to do better, try harder, and be more motivated to change’, yet they both are true. They both co-exist and are important to the effectiveness of the family.

Each of these assumptions position the parents to stay motivated and focused on the tangible changes that will occur while getting them through the difficult moments. When you assume these beliefs, it is difficult to give up on your family.

If you would like continued support or to discuss this topic further, I encourage you to join my private Facebook group.

I look forward to connecting with you,

 

 

 

Reference:

Linehan, Marsha. Dialectical behavior therapy. Auditorium Netzwerk, 2013.