Want to know the difference between a good parent and a GREAT parent?

There are lots of traits that make up a great parent. Being patient, supportive, understanding, available, gentle in approach firm in consistency ….etc etc etc…  In spite of your natural traits, you can be a great parent by putting your BEST Self in every situation.

Best self?  Yes.  You at your best!

Look back at the last week with your kids.  Were you  short tempered? Did you dismiss them without hearing what they had to say?  Did you raise your voice out of frustration? Maybe ignore them or forget to follow through on a promise you made?  Maybe you just zoned out while they were talking and gave a short 1 or 2 word answer instead of engaging with them in the conversation.

Of course at some point you did….  unless you are a super bionic parent!  If that is the case, stop reading, you are perfect, and email me all your secrets and I’ll interview you for the blog!

For the rest of us human parents, I’m going to give you 3 things you can do to up your parenting game from world’s okayest mom or dad to the greatest mom or dad!  

My husband with his World’s Okayest Dad shirt.

#1 Learn Mindfulness

Simply put, mindfulness means being fully present in the current moment focused on the situation and experience.  The foundation of Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) is Mindfulness.  This should also be your foundation as a parent.  DBT teaches mindfulness as it’s core skills because when you are mindful, then you are able to do other things more effectively.

Mindfulness is about observing, describing, and participating in a non-judgmental way, while focusing on one thing in the moment in order to be effective!  I teach extensively on this in my 12 Week Virtual DBT program.  Mindfulness helps us center into our Wise Mind when making decisions.

Many of the difficulties we face as parents comes from reacting from our Emotion Mind. In Emotion mind we act impulsively, and often not in a kind effective way.

Being a Mindful parent is being a GREAT parent!  Disclaimer: It is extremely difficult to remain mindful, so it takes practice practice and more practice, and even then everyone, YES EVERYONE slips out of mindfulness.  The more you practice however, the longer you remain mindful and the quicker you can return to a Mindful state when you get distracted.

#2 Practicing Self-Care

After pre-school today, I came home to make my 2 youngest children lunch. While the oven was pre-heating for their delicious chicken nuggets, I made myself a sandwich and started eating.  My 5 year old says “You made your lunch first? That isn’t fair!”   I told her that our car doesn’t drive without fuel. That if she wants to utilize me for the things she needs me for, than I too need fuel.

How many times do you have to hear that whole “On an airplane you put your mask on first” lesson before you actually apply it to your life?

What practicing self-care looks like:

“I would love to help you with that in about 15 minutes, but first I need to take my vitamins and drink some water.”

“Yes, I want to give you an answer to that question, but I’m going to need about 10 minutes to gather my thoughts on it.”

“I’m going to go spend some times with my friends Saturday afternoon, so if you don’t plan to be home, you’ll need to arrange a sitter. ”

“I’m going to go into my room and read for about 30 minutes.  If you need anything from me, ask me now, or it will have to wait until I come out.”

What it does not look like:

“Geez! For the love of all that is holy in this world can you just give me 5 freaking minutes to myself”

”        ”   –this was you being quiet and completely ignoring who ever was talking to you.

or you just sucking it up and tolerating everyone else getting their needs met and you suffering in silence or shoving your feelings down and down and down.

My guess is, if you do not prioritize yourself, than no one else will.

#3 Modeling The Behavior You Want To See In Others

 

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again.

“You get to teach people how to treat you!”

When you stay physically present while someone yells at you, you are saying “It is okay to yell at me.”   When you stay on the phone as someone insults you, you are saying “It is okay to insult me.”  And when you offer zero consequences for your children to disrespect you, or break your rules, you are saying “It is okay to treat me poorly when you are upset and break the rules of the house.”

Let’s be real, if when things are frustrating, you slam things down, or verbally unload like Yosemite Sam (google him if you are under 30) than why are you surprised when your kid acts the same way when they are frustrated.

If you tell your kid to ‘Shhh I’m watching a show” when they are trying to talk to you when they are 5, 6, and 7 years old, then you shouldn’t be surprised when they tell you to “Shut up” when they are 16, 17 or 18.  If you can’t pause the tv and put the relationship first, don’t be surprised when they don’t turn off their music, or set down their phone when you want to talk to them.

It always makes me shake my head when I hear a parent say “They need to respect me because I’m their parent.”  Yes, they should respect you as their parent, if you are acting in a way that is respectful.  If not, then your children may listen as long as you (the threat) is present and as soon as you aren’t, or you are no longer a threat, they will do what they feel like doing.

Very simple, your kids will learn more by what they see you doing, than what you tell them to do.  Don’t be a “Do as I say not as I do” parent.

Want to join other great parents?  Join my Solution Focused Parenting Private Facebook Group.  

Looking forward to connecting with you