Whenever Richard Cory went downtown,
We people on the pavement looked at him:
He was a gentleman from sole to crown,
Clean favored, and imperially slim.
And he was always quietly arrayed,
And he was always human when he talked;
But still, he fluttered pulses when he said,
“Good-morning,” and he glittered when he walked.
And he was rich – yes, richer than a king –
And admirably schooled in every grace;
In fine, we thought that he was everything,
To make us wish that we were in his place
Soon we worked, and waited for the light,
And went without the meat, and cursed the bread;
And Richard Cory, one calm summer night,
Went home and put a bullet through his head
By E. A. Robinson

This is one of my favorite poems as it speaks of how our judgments can cloud reality.  It reminds us that sometimes what is on the surface is not the ‘facts’.  With the many celebrity suicides in the news, it is shocking to some that people that have things we believe would make us happy struggle like us.

This post is a bit longer than usual, but I think it is valuable and worth the read.  This is a great time to practice the one thing at the moment, let go of the distractions of time, other commitments, and be here in the now, take a deep breath, and just read.

Last week, we I posted “What” to do to take hold of you your mind (observe, describe, and participate.) This week we will learn the “How” to take hold of your mind by using a non-judgmental stance, doing one thing at the moment and by being effective.

Remember the WHAT and HOW skills help steer you into your Wise Mind.

What does it mean to be non-judgmental?

Just focus on the facts. Focus on the “what”, not the “good” or the “bad”, or the “should” or the “should not.” Unglue your opinions from the facts, the facts being the “who, what, when and where.” See but don’t evaluate.  <Yes, discernment is necessary in life, we are not talking about healthy evaluations of safety or good vs spoiled/bad meat in your fridge>.

Below are examples of how this may look.

Observation = I notice that I am feeling sad.

Observation and Description = I notice that the corners of my mouth are turned down, my jaw muscles are tense, my eyelids seem heavy. I notice that I am tired and feel like I could cry. I notice that there is an uncomfortable feeling in the pit of my stomach.

Judgment = Sadness is a bad emotion. When I am sad I am bad. Something is wrong with me because I feel sad.

Nonjudgmental Stance = Sadness is an emotion. It is not good or bad. The fact that I exhibit the symptoms I associate with sadness does not make me a bad person, nor is experiencing the emotion a good or a bad thing. It simply is. Right now, I am experiencing sadness, that’s all. It’s okay to feel sad.

Possible results = When I judge the sadness, I am more likely to react negatively to it by acting out with destructive behavior. When I do not judge the sadness, I am more likely to experience the emotion until it dissipates.

Asking who, what, when, and where questions reveal facts, not opinions.

Assumptions, like opinions, close the mind to facts. An open mind allows for possibilities, options, and surprises. A close mind increases emotional vulnerability and damages relationships. Too often, people tend to judge themselves and others in either excessively positive terms (idealization or “what I like”) or excessively negative terms (devaluation or “what I don’t like”).

The goal is NOT to be more balanced in your judgments, but rather to drop judging in most situations.

Focus on one thing at the moment.

Mindfulness has to do with the quality of awareness that we bring to what we are doing and experiencing, to being in the here and now.  It has to do with learning to focus on being in the present, to focusing our attention on what we are doing and what is happening in the present. Like the Buddha responded in a previous blog, “When we sit, we know we are sitting. When we walk, we know we are walking. When we eat, we know we are eating.” We have to learn to control our attention. Many of us are distracted by images, thoughts, and feelings of the past, perhaps dissociating, worrying about the future, negative moods, and anxieties about the present. It’s hard to put these things away and concentrate on the task at hand.

Most of us think that if we do several things at once, we will accomplish more, but studies in behavior laboratories have shown those instructed to do one thing at a time actually accomplished more than those instructed to multi-task.

Besides increased productivity, doing one thing at a time decreases anxiety by focusing the mind on one thing, pushing from one’s mind preoccupations and worries.

This can be a difficult skill for people to learn. It requires lots of practice and willingness. Be patient with yourself. Remember this skill is easier when you are interested in something and much harder when you are not.

The following are suggestions on overcoming obstacles to doing one thing at the moment:

Try letting go of distractions. Those thoughts, worries, strong feelings, fear.  Try to just let go again. Take some long, slow, deep breaths and let those thoughts and feelings out with the breaths. If they come back, do it again. Each time they come back, do it again. At some point, you will get control.

Concentrate your mind. If you find yourself doing two things at once, just stop, and choose one of those things to do at a time.  As you practice, it will get easier.

Thought stopping. Tell the intrusive or bothersome thoughts to go away, many times, if necessary. It feels very good when I am only dealing with one activity or set of thoughts at a time.

Being Effective.

Focus on what works. Do what needs to be done in each situation.
Stay away from “fair” and “unfair”, “right” and “wrong”, “should” and “should not”.

Practicing these helps you learn and refine skills, you become more effective, i.e., you are able to maximize positive outcomes and minimize negative outcomes. As Marsha Linehan describes in her manual, being effective is directed at reducing our tendency at times to be more concerned with what is “right” than with doing what is actually needed or called for in a particular situation. It can be much easier to give up being right for being effective when we view it as a skillful response.” Often, it seems like I have the opportunity to practice being effective every day. If I’m driving down the road and the driver of another car is trying to cut me off and cut ahead of me, I find it most effective to slow down and let the person move on. If I get caught up in the fact that I legally have the right-of-way and don’t allow the other car in front, I face the possible consequences of being in an accident or a victim of road rage.

The butterfly counts not months but moments and has time enough. — Rabindranath Tagore

P.S.

Did you know that not only do I offer DBT Skills Coaching in my private group but I also have an AMAZING Parenting program launching soon?  Join my Parenting Group Here!