One of the things I’m aware of as a military spouse is the increase in anxiety prevalent in military children.  Anxiety is the most common disorder in military children and knowing this has me paying close attention to my kids.

I notice an increase in symptoms around goodbyes of any kind. My oldest daughter recently had a classmate move and this threw her into a hyper sensitive mood for about 2 days.  To put this into further perspective, let me also share that she was not friends with this classmate.  She did not play with them at recess or talk about them at home, ever.  When I commented that I was surprised this was impacting her so much considering they weren’t really friends, she said “And now I’ll never get the chance!”

It is common when her anxiety is high for her to take things personally, snap at her sisters, or become very demanding.

As a parent, it hurts me to see my kid hurt.

And yet it also frustrates me when my kids mood tries to control the whole house.

It feels like she is holding us hostage to her emotions.

So what is the fine line between comforting their emotions and not catering to their every emotional whim?

There are a few skills that come to mind that helps in this situation.

  1.  Validation

  2.  Wise Mind

  3.  Self-Soothing

First and foremost, If your child has panic attacks, they need to work with their doctor or counselor to create a plan for what to do when they notice their symptoms occurring. Basic Mindfulness practice can help them identify early warning signs and begin to limit the time or eliminate the attack altogether.  You should know what you child’s plan is so you can coach them or support them as needed.

Next, I think the most important thing as a parent you can do is Validate them.  In some way communicate to them that what they are experiencing is difficult and you are present for them.  The key is not to validate and then back away.  Sometimes parents feel helpless and kids overtime will begin to associate their increase in emotion with you backing off your demands.  Low and behold, difficult demand from parents enter heightened anxiety.  This is simple behaviorism.  What is reinforced will continue.  You leaving them alone could be a big reinforcement for your child.

After Validating your child, it is best to coach them into Wise Mind decisions.  When your child is experiencing the symptoms of anxiety they are in Emotion Mind.  Good decisions aren’t exactly made from emotion mind.  Emotions and impulsive behavior thrive in emotion mind.

Speaking from experience, when someone is experiencing intense emotions, the last thing they want is some rational mind communication.  Hitting them with facts will not improve the situation.  It will most likely feel invalidating to them.

So how do you get them to make a Wise Mind decision?  You coach them to distract or change their current emotion.  In my 12 week DBT course, I teach multiple skills that work to do this, but one that works well for my daughter is Self-Soothing.  Some people have never learned how to self soothe so this can be difficult.  Some people have had parents rescue them with comfort and cuddles or letting them off the hook anytime their emotions escalate.  Or parents that shut them down by telling them to suck it up, knock it off, or I don’t want to hear it.  Because as adults, people will not be lined up to let you off the hook, comfort you, or take your problems away, kids need to learn is how to make themselves feel better.

Self Soothing works by using your senses to comfort and be kind to  yourself.

  • Vision
  • Hearing
  • Touch
  • Taste
  • Smell

I’m going to share specific Self-Soothing activities for each of these senses in my private Facebook group this week, so make sure you check those out!

Now, in Emotion Mind you may not be able to coach your child to use their Wise Mind, you can coach them to Self-soothe.  I have an essential oil roller bottle made with specific oils my daughter loves that we roll on her wrists.  Or I allow her to take a bath with a couple drops of lavender in it.

I’ll often give about 15 minutes for her to try a technique.  After that, I can expect her to be more effective at accessing her Wise Mind.  I will continue to validate her, and then I’ll let her know that she still has to meet her responsibilities or expectations.  Her emotions are not an excuse to not do the dishes or her homework.  Life will not be as accommodating to her, let her avoid her responsibilities, and it is my duty to teach her skills to use so that she can still participate in life and take care of herself.

If you have been backing off and avoiding this with your children for years, this will be more difficult for you.  This is where you need to remember the long term goals over the short term relief.  Your kids will reinforce bad parenting! Meaning, they will hug, smile, and tell you you are the best when you let them off the hook! It feels good in that moment, but creates bigger problems later.

Be sure to check out the private Facebook group for more on Self-Soothing this week.

I look forward to connecting with you