Make These Assumptions And Feel Better About Yourself

DBT gives us Treatment Assumptions. A Treatment Assumption is something you choose to believe as true in order to maintain motivation working with difficult clients.

I have taught these assumptions to parents and loved ones of clients who suffer from a borderline personality disorder and found that when applied, they are able to feel better during difficult times with their loved one.

I personally love having a way of thinking that helps me remain motivated to prioritizing relationships. To me, our treatment assumptions are a way of thinking that if you follow the given assumptions (notice I didn’t say agree although it helps if you do) your relationship will be easier, your motivation will be higher, your interactions will be less judgmental, and your relationships with your loved one will be stronger.

Because I find that most people I work with struggle most with the relationship they have with themselves, I’m adjusting these treatment assumptions to Self Assumptions.

Apply these assumptions to yourself and see how easier it gets to like yourself and speak kindly to yourself.

I ask that after reading each assumption, that you ask yourself “Will thinking in this way make me more or less effective in my interaction with myself?”

I am doing the best I can.

The underlying assumption in DBT is that all people are, at any given time, doing the best they can. Most people are usually trying hard to make the best of their lives.

Because sometimes our behavior is frequently annoying, inexplicable, and unmanageable, it is tempting to judge that I am not trying and don’t care. Sometimes I will even say they I am not trying and don’t care. I have learned to say what I have been told about their failures.

Telling myself to try harder, or thinking I am not trying hard enough, only invalidates my experience.

Ask yourself “If I assume that I am doing the best I can, will I be more motivated to forgive myself and move forward? Will I be more effective in trying something new if what I have been trying isn’t working?” If I assume they I am not doing the best I can, am I being judgmental? Will that make me want to give up because I tell myself I am not trying?

I Want to Improve

Constantly being upset, sad, angry, or lashing out is a difficult way to live. Even when I isolate and try to push people away. Despite being punished I long for connection and acceptance. Nobody wants to live in fear, feel alone, and feel constant pain or guilt because of negative interactions. In my wise mind, I will usually tell you that I prefer to have a decent job, a safe home, and, eventually, a happy family of my own.

People with intense emotions are so used to hearing that they are no good and they will never make it, that they begin to believe it themselves. Because I choose to accept that I want to improve, I will continue to look at all the factors interfering with my motivation to improve, such as trouble managing emotions, skills deficits, beliefs and values, and ways that my behavior both works and causes problems.

Ask yourself “Even if I think or feel it’s fine and I don’t care”, am I being effective if I allow myself to continue such a narrow view of life?” “If I assume I want to improve even when my feelings are tricking me into thinking I don’t care, I will continue to try new things?”

I Need to Do Better, Try Harder, and Be More Motivated to Change

The third assumption may appear to contradict the first two but is important nonetheless. The fact that I am doing the best I can and want to do even better does not mean that my efforts and motivation are sufficient to the task; often they are not. My task, therefore, is to analyze factors that inhibit or interfere with my efforts and motivation to improve, and then to use problem-solving strategies to help increase my efforts and purify (so to speak) my motivation. If I am having difficulty it is my responsibility to seek professional support to help me problem solve.

Ask yourself “If I think this is as good as I can be will that make me more inclined to give up?” “If I know I need to do more to do better and try harder will that keep me raising the bar and improving?”

I May Not Have Caused All of My Own Problems, But I Have to Solve Them Anyway

The fourth assumption simply verbalizes the belief in DBT that I have to change my own behavioral responses and alter my own environment for my life to change. Improvement will not result from me simply isolating, attending groups, talking to a counselor, wanting things to be different, or resigning myself to the grace of God. Most importantly, no one else can save me. Although it may be true that I cannot change alone and that I need help, the lion’s share of the work nonetheless will be done by me. If only there was another way for it to happen! Surely, if someone could wave a magic wand and save me, they would have by now. It is essential that I remember this even when in crisis.

Ask yourself “If I get caught up in the ‘blame game’ will that just give me an excuse to not try since it really isn’t my fault?” “If I expect my counselor to fix this problem for me, is that like giving them giving me a fish instead of teaching me to fish?”

My Life Is Not Satisfactory As It Is Currently Being Lived

The fifth assumption is that my pain and frequently voiced dissatisfaction with my life and the current situation is valid. I am right; it is horrible to be alone, to be addicted to drugs, or to not maintain employment. If my complaints and descriptions of my own life are taken at all seriously, this assumption is self-evident. Given this fact, the only solution is to change my life.

This and assumption 2 reminds me of when I read the Narrative of Fredrick Douglas. Fredrick Douglas was a slave who learned to read and began understanding how unsatisfactory his life was. At one moment, he says “I would at times feel that learning to read had been a curse rather than a blessing. It had given me a view of my wretched condition, without the remedy. It opened my eyes to the horrible pit, but to no ladder upon which to get out. In moments of agony, I envied my fellow-slaves for their stupidity” Maybe I know of no other way because this is all they know. If I assume that my life is currently not satisfactory whether I see a solution or not, I am more likely to seek the ladder I need in which to get out.

I Must Learn New Behaviors in All Relevant Contexts

I am often mood-dependent, and thus I must learn how to manage these emotions and resulting behavior differently. I need to be able to apply these new coping skills under extreme emotions, not just when I am in a state of emotional balance.

While your counselor does not take care of you this does not mean that they do not take care for you. The task of the skills coach/counselor during a crisis is to stick to you like glue, giving you encouragement and helpful suggestions all the while. This becomes less and less and you generalize the skills needed to manage your own crisis.

I Cannot Fail in Treatment

The seventh assumption is that when I am engaged in treatment and fail to progress, or actually get worse while in DBT, the treatment, the therapist, or both have failed (or may not have been applied correctly). If the treatment has been applied according to protocol, and I still do not improve, then the failure is attributable to the treatment itself.

If I am working with a DBT therapist, the job of treatment is to enhance motivation sufficiently for the me to progress.

Ask yourself “If I assume I can not fail, am I then more likely to keep trying?” “Am I more likely to trust the process?” This is definitely one that requires an open mind to a different way of thinking!

I Need Support

If I could do this alone, I would have done it by now. I realize the lion’s share of the work is on my shoulders, however, I am not a professional and I need help.

There is no absolute truth

No one is the sole owner of the truth. Both you, your counselor and your families have valid points to make, and at any given time, a grain of truth can be found in either position. We search for the synthesis between opposite points of view.

It is more effective to take things in a well-meaning way than to assume the worst

I am often extremely sensitive in my interactions with others. I can be highly reactive to perceived criticism, not getting what they want, rejection, or other slights from people in my life.

People are often influenced by my repeated displays of anger or other negative communications and may over-interpret my behavior as intentional or malicious.

I need to pause and make neutral or gentle interpretations for their responses to my behavior rather than automatically making the worst assumptions.

If you want a copy of these assumptions directed to loved ones to help better support you, email me at Richelle@yourvirtualskillstrainer.com and I will send you the original copy directed to therapists & family members.

If you have not already completed a DBT course in your area, I recommend you try my 12-week DBT course. If you have completed a DBT skills training group and would like to remain connected, consider joining my monthly subscription program where you get a live DBT course each week! <plus other cool things>. Both programs can be found at yourvirtualskillstrainer.com.