First off, this post is a little different.  It uses the F word quite a few times.  If that bothers you, frankly I’d be shocked. This blog is for parents of trouble teens and if you haven’t either said the F word recently or heard the F word recently, I’d be surprised.  This does not mean that I encourage the word, but I don’t shy away from it either. It is par for the course with this population.  With that said… Enjoy! <Or don’t read this one, freedom of choice!>

I recently watched Sarah Knights Ted Talk on the Magic Art of Not Giving A Fuck .  This was my favorite Ted Talk of 2017.  Because it came at a time I needed to hear it.  The premise she teaches is to stop spending time you don’t have with people you don’t like doing things you don’t want to do.”  Brilliant.

Most people have a bucket list.  If you are at a stage in your life where pursuing your dreams and adventures is far in between, maybe it would serve you better to focus instead on a fucket list.  A list of things you want to give up this year.  I present to you:

My 2018 Fucket List

1.  Getting mad over things that will happen regardless if I get angry.

Steven C Hayes, PH.D gives a great metaphor in his manual ‘Get out of your Mind & Into Your Life The new acceptance & Change Commitment Therapy” and I’ve adapted it to make this point.  Imagine your family is at war.  Your home is the battlefield.  This war appears to be destroying everything and endless.  You as a parent keep fighting harder and harder as you know losing is a devastating option.  The outcome is so great, that life seems completely unbearable if lost.  So you continue to battle and the war continues.  

Now, suppose I say to you, I want you to quit the battle.  To stop engaging in battle behavior entirely. Just stop and observe.  The war may continue around you, and the battlefield may still look the same, but you are no longer a participating Soldier.   What you will see, is the war continues despite your participation in it. 

What this illustrates is that problems are occurring regardless if you show up to be right, manage behavior, demand action, or whatever your Soldiering looks like. 

Now, imagine I asked you to participate in this battlefield as if it were peacetime.  That no matter what came at you, you were to respond with peacetime responses.  This is similar to the 1960’s slogan, “What if they fought a war and nobody came?”   Studies show that meeting higher intensity emotions with lower intensity emotions inevitably lowers the other persons emotions. Corrections officers apply this technique in prisons across the country.  This technique is a standard de-escalation tactic that I personally used in my years working in the juvenile justice prison system and is quite effective.

In essence, Solution Focused Parenting teaches you to shift from a battling Soldier, to a peacemaker. A strong, wise, effective parent. The parent you want to be.

2. Over extending myself

Who has difficulty saying no? One of the skills I teach in my 12 week online course helps people get their needs met and say no to others.  Being free to say no is a right we all have as humans.  We should not feel guilty for saying no.

Just because you say no and someone gets mad does not mean you should have said yes.

Sarah Knight uses the term fuck bucks regarding things she is willing to ‘invest’ in (say yes to) or not invest in (say no to).  She asks “Is this something worthy of my  time, energy, or money.  Will I give my fuck bucks to this?” For relationships sake, we do sometimes have to give our time, energy or money to people and knowing when is tricky.  To understand this better, understanding intensity factors is key.  I wrote a blog describing this here.

The important thing about not over extending yourself is not to stop doing things.  It is to be more mindful and selective of the things you decide to take on.

3. Focusing on what is wrong in my life

You can not have a positive life and a negative mind. ~Joyce Meyer

Maybe you’ve heard the term self full-filling prophecy.  This is a belief that comes true because we are acting as if it is already true.  If you are acting as if everything in your life is negative and a struggle, well… then everything in your life will be negative and a struggle.  One of the key components of Solution Focused Parenting is that it is necessary to stop focussing on the problems and retrain your mind to see and focus on the strengths.

If you look at most successful people, they will tell you that it starts with gratitude.  There was a meme going around the internet last year that said, “What if you woke up in the morning with ONLY the things you thanked God for the night before?”  That is such a powerful thought.  How often do we feel thanks for what we DO have versus what we don’t have?

4. Setting unrealistic standards for myself and others

The  house has to be clean at all times..  The kids better not act up in front of our guests.  Don’t disagree with me in public.  These are unrealistic expectations because humans are not perfect.  Speaking of my favorite Ted Talks, Brene’ Brown’s talk on vulnerability is one of the most watched Ted Talks.  I had the privilege to see her in Seattle recently while she was on her book tour.  Brene’  (yes, we are on a first name basis, although she doesn’t know it) has said this about perfectionism:

“Many people think perfectionism is about people striving to be their best, but it’s not about self improvement; it’s about approval and acceptance.”

At our most vulnerable core, we want approval and acceptance.  Give yourself a break.

5. Sitting through an experience that is unhealthy

One of the things I  recently gave myself permission to do was get up and leave situations that I view as unhealthy.  I’ve left families homes, I’ve left meetings, and I’ve excused myself from conversations with others.

I think it is important to model and teach my children that they do not have to be polite at the expense of their feelings or their values.

You get to teach people how to treat you!

When you continue to be present during discussions, verbal attacks, passive aggressive digs, etc you are in essence giving that person the green light to act that way to you or in front of you.  You can’t change people’s behaviors.  What you can do is define your limits (boundaries) and let others know when they have been crossed.  The sooner you communicate to others what those are, the less likely the behavior will compound to the level that throws you into your emotional mind and you explode.  The last thing you want is to act irrationally or out of control because you ineffectively tried to stick up for yourself.

Have more to add to this list?  Please comment below.

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I look forward to connecting with you!

 

 

 

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