Navigating Relationships with BPD

“They love without measure those whom they will soon hate without reason.” –Thomas Sydenha author of ‘The Whole Works of That Excellent Practical Physician’.  

If you have ever been in a relationship with someone suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), you know very well the meaning behind those words.  One of the most impairing symptoms of this disorder, is the chaotic emotional highs and lows the person suffers, which in turns creates strain or breaks in every relationship in their lives. 

So can relationships last with this disorder? 

As an Individual and Couple’s counselor specializing with BPD clients, I want you to know that while learning to navigate a relationship where BPD is present requires work, it is possible.  There is hope.

One of the most common reactions I hear when discussing a BPD diagnosis with a client is “Finally!” Finally a name for what they have been experiencing, feeling, and doing.  Finally validation that they are not ‘crazy’ and the years they’ve spent suffering over ‘nothing’ as others would say was in fact real. 

But as indicative of this disorder, the relief doesn’t last long, it quickly spirals into panic. The panic of ‘What does this diagnosis mean for me?’

So what does it mean?  It means that they have a lot of work ahead of them if they want to feel better about themselves and interact with the world in a more effective way.  What does it mean for their partners and family members?  It means they too have some work to do.  All relationships require work.  Yet, navigating a relationship effectively with BPD requires emotional strength and commitment.

The first step, is learning how to use Validation.  Even without a diagnosis, learning to validate someone will decrease (not eliminate) their emotional suffering and help you maintain your boundaries and communicate your needs in a more effective manner. 

Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) teaches 6 Levels of Validation:

  1. Being Present
  2. Accurate Reflection
  3. Mind Reading (Reading their behavior and guessing what they are feeling or thinking)
  4. Validating in terms of Past History
  5. Validating in terms of Present Events (the way most people would react)
  6. Radical Genuineness

In some cases, your self respect will suffer and you may experience emotional abuse if the person suffering with BPD is undiagnosed or never receives treatment.  Boundaries (or limits as we call them in DBT) need to be established and a new ‘validating language’ needs to be learned in order to navigate the invalidation the person with BPD experiences. 

With treatment, most will experience symptom remission for long periods of times.  While many will never experience a full recovery, they will be able to live otherwise productive lives.  Understand that for those with BPD, it will be a lifelong struggle with self-esteem and forming and maintaining relationships.

Depending on the prevalence of symptoms, my suggestions for those dealing with BPD would be to have the person suffering with BPD in Individual therapy utilizing DBT, along with DBT skills training.  The other partner should learn the DBT skills  and if needed see an Individual therapist/counselor for support. The focus of these sessions should be on your own experience, feelings, and behaviors. 

If you love someone with traits similar to BPD, it may be hard for you to hear that changes in yourself is necessary to make the relationship work.  You may feel that you ‘aren’t the problem’.  I challenge you with this:

If simple changes in the way you operate would make a substantial change for the life of the person you love and the relationship you have with them, why wouldn’t you change? 

I’m not talking character changes here, I mean simple shifts in your own communication.

Ready to start learning DBT right now? Enroll in my 12 week virtual DBT course and you will be invited to join my private DBT coaching group. 

I look forward to connecting with you,