The 4 Horsemen Waging War in Your Relationship With Your Teen!

The Gottman Institute uses the metaphor of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse to describe communication styles that, according to their research, can predict the end of a relationship. While they focus on marriages, these communication styles can just as easily destroy your relationship with your teen!

Here they are:

Criticism

Criticism is attacking a person instead of attacking an issue. There are effective ways of giving feedback and asking for change ie: expressing a complaint, and there are ineffective ways. Criticism is ineffective. It personalizes the behavior and insults the person at their core.

An example of this is: Your son arrives home 30 minutes after curfew.

Criticism: You are late again. Do you have any idea how worried I have been? Of course not because you only think of yourself! You are so selfish!

Complaint: It is 30 minutes past the time we agreed you would be home. I feel worried and helpless when you are late and I can not get ahold of you. I need you to be home on time or call.

Instead of using criticism, start with a gentle start up and express your need. This keeps the behavior as the topic of discussion and is more effective at helping your teen take responsibility without defending a character assassination of all or nothing statements.

Contempt

Contempt takes criticism to the next level. This is where the person takes a morally superior stance against the other person. This is nasty communication where the person is just mean. This includes name calling, over exaggerated body responses such as eyes rolling.

An example of this is: You ask your daughter to clean her room after school and find her laying on her bed watching videos on her laptop and the room still not clean. When you ask her why she hasn’t cleaned her room, she says “I’m too tired.”

Contempt: “Ooooh you are tired… I wish I could just lay around and watch videos all day. You have it so hard, waking up and going to school and hanging with friends all day. Poor you! You aren’t tired. You are lazy. You are never going to amount to anything!”

An effective solution to contempt is to build a culture in your home of appreciation. When this is not a common practice in your home, you may have to search for things you appreciate at the moment. Given the example, you could say this instead: “Sweetie I know you’ve had a long day and are tired, you’ve been doing so well keeping the bathroom counter clean I really need you to find the energy to pick up your room.

Validation is the key to healthy relationship!! Remember to also use the GIVE skill.

Defensiveness

Defensiveness is a response to criticism. This is when a person victimizes themselves and turns the blame back on the other person. It would be easy to give examples of how your teen responds defensively to you, but can you think of ways you respond defensively to them?

An example could be: Your teen has asked you to pick something up for them at the store for a school project. The night before the project is due, they ask if you picked it up, and you didn’t. They critically add “I told you I needed it last week, you never remember things that are important to me!”

Defensive Response: You should have reminded me before now. You always wait until the last minute. You knew I was going to the store yesterday and you forgot to remind me. Why didn’t you just get it when you first found out about it?

The more effective response would be where you take responsibility: “I’m sorry, I completely forgot. I should have written it down when you originally asked and I didn’t.” No one is saying that in your mind you can’t be cursing at the fact you have to go to the store or blow off your kids request… neither of which feels good. But those feelings do not need to be placed on your teen.

Stonewalling

Stonewalling is a response to contempt. This is where the person shuts down, avoids conversation, and withdraws. This makes a person feel ignored and unimportant. I imagine you can think of times where your teen has shut you out, put headphones on, or gone to their room and just stayed there, but are there any times you’ve communicated using stonewalling? Maybe you tune them out and ignore their requests because you feel like they are being a jerk to you?

An example could be: Your teen is asking if they can go to a concert with friends in two weeks. You have been arguing with them all week and aren’t in the mood to talk or give into any of their requests.

Stonewalling Response: I have to call your Grandma back, she called earlier and I just remembered.

A more effective response would be to take a mini break and do something self-soothing to come back and be more effective in the conversation. It could look like this “I’m sorry, I’m really not in a good space to give you a decision right now, let’s talk about this after I’ve had a shower and cleared my head from the day”. Then go and shower use the temperature or scents to relax. You will be more equipped to focus on the subject of the concert and not the entire weeks arguing if you prepare yourself for the conversation and come into it feeling less overwhelmed or overworked.

Want more tips, advice, and support? Now is the perfect time to join my Solution Focused Parenting Group. It is a FREE group for parents just like you!