The Shoelace Parable

The Shoelace Parable:

First, let us assume that you have a poor way of tying your shoelaces. In fact, it is so poor that you often trip on your shoelaces.

Second, let us assume that you have come to counseling to deal with this self-defeating behavior.

Third, let us assume that you first want to know “why” you have this problem with your shoelaces.

Now, as your counselor my first task would be to teach you a few lessons.

LESSON ONE

Even if we find out “why” you tie your shoelaces poorly, that will not change how you tie your shoelaces.

Even if we find out that it was your mother, father, sister, brother, cousin, aunt, uncle, grandmother, grandfather, teacher, coach, maid, nurse, baby-sitter, etc., who taught you to tie your shoelaces so poorly–that will not change how you tie your shoelaces.

Even if we remember the very first time you learned to tie your shoelaces wrongly, that will not change how you tie your shoelaces.

Even if you label all your feelings about tying your shoes, cry about tying your shoes, express feelings for hours about tying your shoes, get mad at people who taught you wrong, explore the deep meaning of tying your shoes, work out your conflicts about your parents, record and analyze your dreams, free associate, relive the first time, have a rebirthing experience, role-play responding to your teachers, learn new social skills, visualize your standing up to your trainers in the past, talk to different parts of yourself in therapy about how hard it all was, have past life therapy, engage in dramas about tying your shoes, write endless journal notes about tying your shoes, restructure your family, change your diet, get detoxed, move, change jobs, stop eating sugar, get divorced, have body work, have body massages, write letters, beat pillows, scream, reframe, rewrite your life story, get your chi rebalanced, move your eyes left and right, or whatever current technique is fashionable–it will not be tying your shoes in a new more effective way.

We do not need to know “why” in order to know “how” you are doing what you are doing. Even after we know exactly why you are tying your shoelaces that will not change how you are tying your shoelaces.

LESSON TWO

Tying your shoelaces the way you are tying them now feels “natural” and “normal” because it is a habit–not because it is natural or normal.

Learning to tie your shoelaces a new way–no matter how much better or how perfect a way it is–will be uncomfortable and will take persistent practice and work.

The new more effective way of tying your shoelaces will feel “unnatural” and “abnormal” not because it is wrong–but only because it is against your current habit.

LESSON THREE

You have two jobs. 1) Unlearn the old ineffective way of tying your shoelaces; 2) Learn a new more effective way of tying your shoelaces. This makes it harder but that does not mean impossible. It only means that it is more work and will take more time than just learning from scratch.

Unlearning is harder than learning. This is why many companies prefer to hire people who are not trained so that they can train them their way without having to fight or argue with their old training.

LESSON FOUR

The only way you will begin tying your shoelaces to a more productive way is–through persistent practice. You have to think, feel, and act against the old way until the new way becomes your new habit.

Thinking and insight alone will not do it.

Feeling and talking alone will not do it.

Trying and procrastinating will not do it.

You must recognize the wrong way and the right way, you must remove the wrong way by deciding to give it up, and you must replace the old way with the new way.

Recognizing involves thinking and insight (we do this with a BCA).

Removing involves feeling and motivation (we do this with constant assessment of commitment, motivation, engagement).

Replacing involves doing and habit. (Skills training and practice)

So you need to think, feel, and act against the old to make the new natural. PRACTICE! PRACTICE! PRACTICE!

Every time I read this, I am reminded that assessing the problem behavior is not enough to change the behavior we want to change. It is in learning and PRACTICING the new behavior (skills) that effectively changes the behavior. So when asked why do we need to learn these skills or why do I need to attend group, I like to say “Think of the shoelace parable.”