I’ve worked with thousands of troubled teens.  In fact, during my time working in the juvenile justice system I worked with teens who’ve committed the worst crimes imaginable. 

Now, I’m sure your teens behavior isn’t at the same level as the youthful offenders I worked with however, the skills we used to educate and rehabilitate them are universal. 

Understanding some basic psychology can be helpful when trying to understand the seemingly unexplainable behavior of your teens. After all, who hasn’t said “I just don’t know what you were thinking!” to your kid from at some point. 

Before I talk about Thinking Errors <also called cognitive distortions> I want to talk about Moral Reasoning.

People generally behave in a manner consistent with their thinking. 

A really smart cognitive-development psychologist named Lawrence Kohlberg theorized that moral reasoning and development fall into three levels and six stages.   

Antisocial youth will experience delays in the social and moral development stages.

Here is the short short version as it relates to Children and Teens:

Stage 1: Most Elementary Aged Kids

  • Might makes right thinking
  • Behavior is focused on avoiding punishment
  • Lack thinking of the needs and feelings of others
  • When a punisher is missing negative behavior that meets a need is likely to occur

Stage 2: Some Elementary and Most Jr High Kids

  • “You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours’
  • Recognizes the needs of others and willing to meet those needs if their needs are also met.
  • Still determining right from wrong by what will receive consequences.

Stage 3: Most high school aged teens

  • “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you”.
  • People pleasing stage usually authority figures or ‘popular’ peers. 
  • Teens are concerned with keeping friendships  through emphasizing trust, loyalty, sharing and other people’s views. 
  • They want to be seen as a good boy/girl

**The negative form of this involves revenge behaviors**

Stage 4: Older high school students and College aged

  • Duty to follow rules
  • Follow the laws because it brings order
  • Development of conscience and guilt

Stage 5: College Aged –Majority of Adults

  • Social Contract- rules represent agreements of behaviors
  • Am I contributing?
  • See that some rules should change for the greater good of society
  • Flexibility in relationships

Stage 6:  Rare Adults

  • Universal Principles ie: equality, human dignity, social justice)
  • Respond to ethical principles over laws

It is important for parents to understand these stages as often times parents will magnify their teens behavior when in reality they are behaving ‘normal’ for their age. 

Thinking errors or cognitive distortions are a way of thinking where your mind convinces you that something is true, even when the facts do not support it.  These inaccurate thoughts reinforce other negative thoughts and feelings and keep us stuck.  It interferes with our ability to be effective in many areas in our lives.

7 Thinking errors that might explain your teens irrational thinking

1.  Self-Centered Thinking

With self-centered thinking an individual thinks his/her own individual needs, wants, thoughts, feelings, and desires are the most important. They may ignore their own long term goals or interests because they are thinking of immediate self gratification.  They do not care about the needs or feelings of others.

2.  Assuming the Worst

When someone assumes the worst, they are operating with a belief system that people including themselves cannot improve.  They believe the worst about people and the world.  They will assume a negative intent in the things people say and do and often personalize this as a hostile intent and respond with a hostile tone or behavior.

3. Blaming Others

A person who blames others will take no individual responsibility.  Their view on the world is that the problems they have are the fault of another person, group, or momentary situation such as their mood, being intoxicated, etc.  They are never at fault and will also blame victims for being victimized. 

4. Minimizing/Mislabeling

Here they see their behavior as causing no real harm.  They will often belittle other people and glorify anti social behavior as acceptable or admirable since there are no real victims and it’s all ‘no big deal’.

5. Maximizing/ Catastrophizing

They will blow things out of proportion and make them a bigger deal than they are. This could be with their own physical health as well. They assume the worst case scenario will most likely occur in most situations. 

6. Emotional Reasoning

Assuming because you feel a certain way that it must be true.  If I feel embarrassed I must be stupid. I feel like you looked at me weird so you must hate me. 

7. All or Nothing Thinking

Also called black and white thinking. A person with all or nothing thinking will have high expectations on themselves or others.  You may hear ‘always’ and ‘never’ language in the way the speak.  “You never think about me” “Nothing ever goes right for me” “You always ride my case”.  

This is not a full list of cognitive distortions.  This and other topics are covered more in-depth in my private Facebook group.    If this doesn’t explain your teens irrational thinking, don’t give up,  more explanations are coming your way in future blogs!

As always, I look forward to connecting with you